home!

Im home!!! I was actually allowed to leave the hospital thursday! Dr S came in that afternoon, sat in my room and talked with Mike and i for quite a while. He said he was perfectly comfortable with me being on bed rest at home. My cervix currently looks the best it ever has! As long as it stays this way, ill be allowed to be at home! He also said the further along i get the less likely he is to put me back in the hospital since it isnt as risky at 28 weeks on. Sooooo, all is good at the moment!
Dr S is so freaking cool. We could not have asked for a better fit and Mike and i have felt very lucky to have him follow us in this crazy adventure. When he came to talk to us yesterday we sat and talked about music,and he wanted to know about mikes band...Just makes us feel really comfortable.

Being at home is wonderful. I get to sleep in my tempurpedic bed, cuddle with my kitties and I dont have people waking me up at 5 am. There are however,a few things that Im going to have to adjust to once again. I need to continue to be very careful about not getting up and moving around too much. Its alot more tempting to be a bit more active when you are at home. I dont have people to wait on me hand and foot like i did at the hospital. Another thing is that poor mikey has to take care of me alot more once again. He has to do more grocery shopping, cook dinner and bring me glasses of water :) Not that he minds..i know he doesnt,...but i know it can probably get annoying for him. I was joking around with him last night asking him if he wanted to send his wife back to "the home" or "day care" so someone else could take care of me. haha We are adjusting well though, and falling back into the routine. Hes a good husband....couldnt ask for better!

Tomorrow we hit 27 weeks! So crazy to think that i will finally be on my way to week 28! I think next sunday (july4th) will mean so much to me! It represents the beginning of the 3rd trimester..which looking back, is something i didnt think i would get to see! it also represents a huge milestone for baby evie's developement!

this whole process is defintely becoming less scary..and more exciting every week!

i woke up yesterday morning when my nurse came in to put me on the monitor and we were both amazed at how much my belly had grown...just overnight! it was a crazy feeling! I think this week has been her biggest growth spurt yet! :)

I had another great ultrasound! I am still measuring 2-3cm and the fluid level was back up! The feeling of wanting to go home gets greater with every good report i get. Ive thought this through alot and it honestly makes alot of sense to me at this point. Ive had 3 stable ultrasounds,(my measurement is back to where it was before i was even put on bedrest at home) Im on no medication, everytime they monitor me everything is normal, no contractions, and her heart rate is awesome. I do totally think i need to be on bedrest, but I really dont think they are doing anything for me here that i cant do at home. I feel like sometmes im just taking up a room..even the nurses have asked when im going home or if the drs have offered it to me. When i first got here it totally made sense for me to be here. My cervix was shortening, and there was risk involved. It was easy to be here because i knew it was best for my baby. At this point, i just feel like it would be better for both of us to be at home. I could sleep in my tempurpedic bed, eat real/healthy food, and destress. Also, we only live 10 minutes away from the hospital...uuuuggggh i do really want to go home.

At the same time, i will honor my drs decision and do whatever he thinks is best. I talked with the group of docs this morning when they made the rounds. I explained my feelings and they were very open to it. Dr s said he hadnt had a chance to look over my ultrasound from yesterday, but he would do that and get back with me. Everyone seemed very positive about it and said it was a great possibilty. I have no idea when i will hear anything from him. It might not even be until the morning..not really getting my hopes up too high..but....

fingers crossed!!!!!

on a lighter note:
Baby evelyn has hiccups...all..the...time. Its hilarious because shes been pretty well known around here for being stubborn about being put on the heart monitor. She would either completely hide from it, or would just sit and kick and punch at it until it was over. Since she is bigger now its getting harder for her to hide and shes pretty much come to terms with it i think. Now her new trick? hiccups...which prevents the heart rate from showing on the strip. Not that she can really control this i suppose, but its just funny because she has the weirdest timing!Shes a little stinker!

Everytime I get out of bed and stand up i literally cringe. I feel much heavier and I fear the pelvic pain has returned. I know alot of this is probably because the baby is getting bigger, but it always makes me wonder if weird things are going on inside of me and that my sneaky little cervix isnt cooperating.

New favorite quote from my morning visit with the drs: "we'll see you in the morning..just keep gestating"
-lovely

I also love that every single morning, even though theyve said it over and over...they continue to ask me " is your cerivix staying put?" I was amazed when i was laying here half dazed at 5:30 am and this comeback came to my brain: "oh i dont know...you guys are the ones with the camera dildo" and no, i didnt let this come out of my mouth...but someday...just someday, i would love to say it just to see how they would react. ( but no worries...we all know i would never have the courage)

mom and daniel came to visit today. they brought me chipotle for lunch which was pretty exciting. Mike is up near chicago running the warrior dash today with some of our friends. if you havent heard of it, this web site will help give you an idea:.http://www.warriordash.com/..its hilarious and awesome. I totally wish i could have gone to watch. I guess they all get warrior helmets and beer and run through fire...sounds awesome..haha

thats all for now...

~i radio heaven
i get mixed signals
i move the antenna
i switch the channels
i lie in this bed
my satellite dish
is there room in the universe
for one last wish~
-over the rhine

yay we made it to week 26! to celebrate this week....my friends gave me a giant cookie! perfect! :)

my cervix is still stable. It was changing between 1.8 and 2.4 cm, but it was closed and looked much better than a couple weeks ago when i was admitted. The bad news is that my amniotic fluid surrounding the baby is getting pretty low. Dr said it was in the "low range of normal". The reason for this is that its one of the side effects of taking an nsaid like inducin. It slows her urine output which in turn creates less fluid. They checked her kidneys and there hasnt been any damage done, so if we stop the inducin the levels should go back up. That is the hope! We want the levels to go up cuz that helps her development and keeps her safe in the uterus.The downside of this is that we dont know how my cervix will handle it. Hopefully it will continue to stay stable on its own. GOOD GRIEF!! there is always SOMETHING now isnt there?! siiiiiiiiiigh

this is a pretty good example of the rainbow and tornado picture from last night....thats my life right now! :)

We're only a couple days away from the big 26 weeks!Ive almost made it to the 3rd trimester..how crazy is that?! I csn finally see 28 weeks in my sights...that is a big milestone that i pray to reach!

ONE.DAY.AT.A.TIME!

ive been in the hospital for 2 weeks! Ive spent 2 freaking weeks in a hospital bed! This just doesnt seem natural!
Yes, i try my hardest to be strong and postive but lets face it, this sucks and i have total moments of weakness on a pretty consistent basis.I also feel like a complete moron and i really should stop talking about it because yes, i know all of the right things to think. Yes, i know that every day im here is safer for her and i want to do everything i possibly can to keep her inside of me. Yes, i also know that this "will all be worth it in the end". But i hate that awful part of me, the hormonal, overly emotional basket case part who wants to scream and cry and sign the a.m.a papers to discharge myself out of here. Thats the part of me that creeps up at random times.

A friend of mine sent me flowers a few days ago. Attached to the vase was a note that said " It takes both rain and sunshine to make a rainbow". Maybe i just need to face it..there will be a few rainy days here and there...heck, there might even be days where i feel like a tornado has torn through my world. Its natural and normal to feel emotions...whether they be good or bad. I am a strong woman and i know there will be sunny days too.....Ill just have to get better about waiting out the rain.

since we made it to 25 weeks after the scary week i had, my friends made us some brilliant cards to celebrate . These will be so awesome to show baby evie when she gets older.

I must say that these have been a HUGE hit with the drs and nurses. All 5 of my drs came in this morning at 5 am and just went on and on about them. Im kinda gaining a reputation around here for having a pretty awesome group of family and friends. :)

Tuesday! The day the massage therapist visits the unit! This is a lovely "perk" for sure! The massage was awesome and made me feel like i have a new torso. It was cut short today by the nurse from prenatal diagnosis coming to get me for my ultrasound. Yeah,..seriously, what great timing...i lay here all day every day with nothing to do and the one time i am enjoying myself it gets taken from me..(okay im being a bit overdramatic) But thats definitely something im going to look forward to!

I went for the fetal echo this morning and met another sweet dr from riley. She told me she works with Dr c, who i have been going to since i was age 10. He has been following my pregnancy which is convienient since he can keep an eye on my heart AND evie's! Its so cool to have a network of physicians who have all worked closely with me over the years work closely with my little unborn baby. It makes me see even more how God has placed the right people in my life.

Evies heart is still perfect so that means i can keep taking the inducin to help my cervix.

good day!!

What a beautiful sunday! We have made it 25 weeks and im amazed at how much has changed in a week! I honestly wake up every morning and the first thing I do is thank God for another day in the hospital. If im still in the hospital it means Im still pregnant...and thats something i really want right now.

I find myself calling on God alot...At night before i fall asleep I usually put on some music for evie to hear and just start to cry...not really crying for bad reasons. I just seem to get caught up in the moment. I just realize that i have no control and that i have to allow time to play out...and I ask God to take control. There is something very moving about surrendering yourself like that. My views of God have changed over the years and even though i dont hold many of the traditional christian beliefs that i once did, Its hard to ignore the peace and power of prayer.

They moved me back over to 2 south yesterday evening. Even though the room is smaller, i like it over here much better. I did have some wonderful nurses in icu that im very thankful for. Its weird...the people here become such a huge part of your life for a while...theyre like your family.When my drs came in this morning to ask how i was doing i made it a point to let them know how much i appreciate this place...and since it IS me, i kinda went on and on..haha.

Mike thinks Im starting to lose it a little more every day. He says I keep telling him the same things over and over, and im pretty sure hese right. Not that much excitement happens in my day so when something little happens, i cling to it..and i tend to talk about it alot. haha...oh sigh.

I did get approval for wheelchair rides yesterday!!! Mikey wheeled me downstairs to this pretty little cafe area with lots of plants and we ate ice cream....fantastic!!! We tried to sit outside but it was soooo hot!

well my breakfast should be here soon so im gonna try to find something on tv to watch and zone out for a bit...I think some friends are coming over tonight to help us celebrate 25 weeks...think we might make this a regular sunday event! :)

the good news

good news!!! finally...some good news!!! ultrasound showed my cervix measuring back up at 2 cm today! that is such a HUGE improvement since my cervix was basically nonexistent on monday! There is no bulging bag and her cord is no longer in the way!!!! the meds seem to be working !!

I cant even explain the joy and relief i experienced at that very moment when he told me the measurement. I just kept saying " wait...are you serious? seriously?" over and over....I know there will be so many ups and downs while we are here at the hospital, but i am thriving on the good news for today! I do have a dynamic cervix so it will change from time to time, but if we can get through it week by week this all might work out better than i thought it would on monday. On monday i was looked at as a critical case, a woman who could potentially go into labor at any moment..they even put me in a room right next to the operating room and dr station..so crazy!!!!

ill admit that i was almost at my lowest point this morning. When I woke up and realized that i would be going in for the ultrasound i just couldnt imagine getting more bad news. I felt like i was at a breaking point...my chest hurt, i just wanted to cry.. I felt totally helpless and the thought of coming back to this room with the same feelings terrified me!

This made me realize even more that i have no control! Im just going to continue to take it a day at a time and cling to any good news i get!

Yay baby evelyn....i am trying as hard as i can baby girl....just know that your daddy and i love you soo much already!

its all in the attitude

its really amazing how the attitude of the drs can make things seem so much better or worse! I always wake up at 5:30 am every morning surrounded by 5 drs in my room. They wake me up and say something lame like " are you behaving..?"...or "is that cervix staying put?"( i read about this lovely wake up procedure on a friend's blog and i totally relate now). I just kinda look at them and try to keep my mouth shut, not wanting to gripe them out and tell them to get to the point. I really miss seeing dr s every morning since he really does give off positive and caring vibes. On this unit, they send around all the resident drs on call at that time.

This morning I had a pretty good experience. It wasnt that anyone said anything different really, it was just that their attitudes seemed to be a bit more positive since ive been stable for a couple days. They said they hope and think the meds im taking are working and asked me if i have felt less pressure. I HAVE! When i get up to use the bathroom i do not feel as heavy in my lower half. They said one of my medicines is supposed to lower the level of amniotic fluid to relieve pressure on my cervix. My cervix is not dialted, just very thin. They were anxious to see the results of the ultrasound and said i could possibly move back over to 2 south if everything looks stable. We shall see and i highly doubt it. At this point, all the ups and downs are draining to me...but i will take as much positive feedback as i can get!

Today was a very long day! I tried to go back to sleep after the drs left but that usually doesnt happen. I tried to start a new book but i just cant keep my mind focused. I found a marathon of top chef on bravo and escaped into that for a while. Mikey will be here soon! He only has to work tommorow then he has 2 weeks of vacation! Im pretty excited to have him here with me so much, even though i know it sucks that we cant do anything fun on vacation. He was sweet and asked me if i wanted to have a "date night" on friday night :) It might just be ice cream and a movie in a hospital room, but it will be special anyway. These are moments in our marriage that we will never forget!

staying positive through the bad news

Monday we went for my ultrasound and it wasnt good news. My cervix is almost nonexistent at this point. Its paper thin and my bag of waters is bulging. The chord was in the way also, which meant if my water did break soon, it was going to be a huge emergency.I was moved to a room in the icu unit of labor and delivery to be monitored more closely. At this point i think the scariest thing is not knowing whats going on but also that the drs cant tell me what to expect. Theyve just told me to let them know if feel like my water has broken. That is frightening for me....Im not ready for labor....im sooo not ready!! An anesthesiologist came to talk with me about a c section since it will most likely be more of an emergent situation and due to my heart condition, it is best!!!

This is for sure the scariest thing ive ever been through in my life. I feel so helpless. I AM helpless. People keep trying to encourage me, telling me that she is a good size and weight for 24 weeks. They say that she has a good chance of surviving at this point....honestly i totally beleive this, but i dont want there to be a 50% chance. I want to get to 28 weeks where the chances go up to 80-90%. Im trying to be positive...i really am. I have days where i just know everything will be fine. Then there are days where you keep getting bad news and its just so hard to keep it together. I always get the feeling that the staff of drs and nurses are trying to be supportive but the looks on their faces show me that they have no clue. Dr S said hes seen this happen to women and they go into labor very fast, some make it a few more weeks and so on...we just have to wait. I feel like if i can make it to 25 weeks, just til sunday, i will feel so much better! My short term goal since i was put on bedrest at 21 weeks was to make it to 26 weeks. This would be huge!! I have to think about how far ive already come...time has gone by pretty fast!

Mike has been wonderful. I know he feels so helpless too but hes so strong. I love him so much!!

I just have to hope and pray that baby evie will be strong. If she is born early i hope mike and i are strong enough to deal with all the ups and downs of having a baby in the nicu for so long. I think that im that type of person. I feel like i need to think about all the possibitilies so i will be prepared. At the same time, i feel like i need to only focus on her and the positives of having a strong baby. There have been so many success stories!!!! I know she will be one too!!!

i kinda miss my little room over in 2 south where i was seen as "stable". i loved the nurses and i loved the less chaotic vibe. The nurses are great over here too, but this unit is stressfull and scary. There are alot of awful noises which i try to block out with my music and by shutting the door. Trying to stay in my own situation while i know there are people going through hell all around me. There are also people im trying not be envious of..people with pretty healthy, close to full term babies.

Im trying so hard to be social and feel normal. Im so tempted to just lay here alone every single day. Its hard to be happy and talk about stuff over and over...i know my friends care and i feel like i will have days where i want company and things to make time go by fast. i have a great support group which helps so much!!!!!

I just took a shower and im getting ready to eat some lovely hospital food for dinner. Even showering is scary...especially after one of the nurses told me to make sure i let her know if i feel the chord fall out of me....ugh. sigh, ive almost made it through another day!!! positive....positive....positive.............

Tommorow marks 24 weeks, 3 days!

time

Pregnancy is something I never thought i would experience. When I was younger and diagnosed with marfan syndrome I was told that it might not be a possibilty. The drs had warned me that my heart might not be strong enough to take it. Mike and I were even considering not having kids. We thought about adopting, thought about living a life with just the two of us. After 5 years of marriage, genetic/high risk counseling and some decision making, Mike and i decided it was safe to go for it. My drs had given me the go ahead and all was great.

Little did i know that i would go from someone who might have chosen to never experience pregnancy to doing everything i possibly can to stay pregnant for the baby growing inside of me. My heart is still strong, but my cervix is not. I have a shortening cervix at 24 weeks and was admitted into the hospital thursday. Ive been on bedrest at home for 3 weeks and my cervix was staying stable at 2.4 cm. This week it measured anywhere from 1.9 cm to .8cm!!!Yeah seriously.8cm..ugh?I have another ultrasound tommorow and hopefully my measurement will be much better. Its the drs decision whethere or not i will have to stay in the hospital or go home on strict bedrest.

Ive always been such a believer in the perfect timing of everything in my life. I have to think that there is a reason for this timing and time is so important in this situation. There is a risk of perterm labor with a cervix this short and baby evie needs more time to grow. I never thought i would count the days and weeks so closely as i do now. Every single day she stays inside of me gives her more strength for life on the outside. Im trying to cherrish the time i have with her in my belly and think about how this is a very special time in my life and not just something to get through. I think this will be much easier when i know she is at a point of growth that is safe. If she was born now, she would have a pretty good chance of survival but obviously its better for her to stay longer.

The bedrest experience so far has been okay. The hospital makes me feel safe and gives me hope. Being at home is wonderful but im afraid of something bad happening and not knowing about it until its too late. At least here I am monitored and I know if something goes wrong, it will be taken care of quickly. Mike doesnt worry about me as much when im here. Ive had ALOT of visitors. The nurses joke that im pretty popular on this floor cuz i always have people here to see me. I have a huge support system which i am so thankful for! I hope they all know how much it means to me!

Mikey just got here so we're going to eat dinner. Hoping all goes well in the morning!! :)