Monday we went for my ultrasound and it wasnt good news. My cervix is almost nonexistent at this point. Its paper thin and my bag of waters is bulging. The chord was in the way also, which meant if my water did break soon, it was going to be a huge emergency.I was moved to a room in the icu unit of labor and delivery to be monitored more closely. At this point i think the scariest thing is not knowing whats going on but also that the drs cant tell me what to expect. Theyve just told me to let them know if feel like my water has broken. That is frightening for me....Im not ready for labor....im sooo not ready!! An anesthesiologist came to talk with me about a c section since it will most likely be more of an emergent situation and due to my heart condition, it is best!!!
This is for sure the scariest thing ive ever been through in my life. I feel so helpless. I AM helpless. People keep trying to encourage me, telling me that she is a good size and weight for 24 weeks. They say that she has a good chance of surviving at this point....honestly i totally beleive this, but i dont want there to be a 50% chance. I want to get to 28 weeks where the chances go up to 80-90%. Im trying to be positive...i really am. I have days where i just know everything will be fine. Then there are days where you keep getting bad news and its just so hard to keep it together. I always get the feeling that the staff of drs and nurses are trying to be supportive but the looks on their faces show me that they have no clue. Dr S said hes seen this happen to women and they go into labor very fast, some make it a few more weeks and so on...we just have to wait. I feel like if i can make it to 25 weeks, just til sunday, i will feel so much better! My short term goal since i was put on bedrest at 21 weeks was to make it to 26 weeks. This would be huge!! I have to think about how far ive already come...time has gone by pretty fast!
Mike has been wonderful. I know he feels so helpless too but hes so strong. I love him so much!!
I just have to hope and pray that baby evie will be strong. If she is born early i hope mike and i are strong enough to deal with all the ups and downs of having a baby in the nicu for so long. I think that im that type of person. I feel like i need to think about all the possibitilies so i will be prepared. At the same time, i feel like i need to only focus on her and the positives of having a strong baby. There have been so many success stories!!!! I know she will be one too!!!
i kinda miss my little room over in 2 south where i was seen as "stable". i loved the nurses and i loved the less chaotic vibe. The nurses are great over here too, but this unit is stressfull and scary. There are alot of awful noises which i try to block out with my music and by shutting the door. Trying to stay in my own situation while i know there are people going through hell all around me. There are also people im trying not be envious of..people with pretty healthy, close to full term babies.
Im trying so hard to be social and feel normal. Im so tempted to just lay here alone every single day. Its hard to be happy and talk about stuff over and over...i know my friends care and i feel like i will have days where i want company and things to make time go by fast. i have a great support group which helps so much!!!!!
I just took a shower and im getting ready to eat some lovely hospital food for dinner. Even showering is scary...especially after one of the nurses told me to make sure i let her know if i feel the chord fall out of me....ugh. sigh, ive almost made it through another day!!! positive....positive....positive.............
Tommorow marks 24 weeks, 3 days!
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